Summer blogcation

Foxx tackles the city is on summer vacation for the summer, but have no fear kiddies the blog continues on foxxtacklestheglobe.blogspot.com. See ya there.

Summer Blogbuster

As you loyal readers know, I love two things that are PG in nature, sports and movies. I feel incredibly satisfied with my sports life right now. Just as the majority of America, I am not only thrilled that the Mavericks brought back the concept of “team basketball” to the NBA, but also took a championship away from the Moheatos in the process. Dirk is a legend now, Wade’s rep is largely unchanged, and Lebron’s is the lowest its ever been. I made some serious cash (132 dollars)  this series, but not even close to what LBJ’s psychologist is about to make. Everything in the NBA world is right now (please don’t lock out now!), football seems to be getting it together, and baseball is……well, its baseball. It’s slow and its an incredibly arduous task to make it through a full inning, but the Yanks are in first, the Mets are hanging on, and my fantasy team lies somewhere in between. With a European destination date, and a marathon more of baseball ahead of me, I am dually ready to say goodbye to American sports until September. Work too.

With one love on Cruz Control, it’s time to focus on the other, the art of film. By which I mean incredibly expensive blockbusters with weak dialogue that I not only still routinely spend thirteen bucks for the ticket, but another 7 on popcorn and a drink. I love that the production companies put millions of dollars into just a concept or idea, the fact that at least four production companies are needed to make one film, the endless amount previews for other summer flicks that get lazier and lazier (See chart below), and waiting the credits for a thirty second extra scene that is usually disappointing.

Summer blockbuster list and how each month gets subsequently crappier:

Month	Notable Films	Notes
May	Thor – May 6 Bridesmaids – May 13 Hangover  - Kung Fu Panda 2 – May 26 (Last year: Iron Man 2)	May 6 is the official summer blockbuster kick off date, then it gets slow till late May where the big guns come out.
June	X men – June 3 June 24 – Cars 2, Bad Teacher June 29 – Transformers 3 (last year: A team)	June is much like May, big kickoff then a lull
July	July  15- Harry Potter Captain America – July 22 (Last year: Inception)	July 4 is the only real money weekend of this month. Will Smith owned it for years with ID4, Men in Black,MIB2, Wild Wild West, Hancock (That can’t all be winners. However, this year July 4 happens on a Monday in which new movies won’t open. Less good movies open and they get fewer and more far between.
August	The Change up – August 5 Final Destination 5 – August 12 Conan The Barbarian – August 19 Spy kids 4: All the time in the world – August 26 (Last year: Land of the Lost)	August sends out whatever is left in the movie studio’s vault, it’s usually filled with movies that would have been crush had they open previous 3 months. A lot of garbage, every year.

Summer blockbusters are the only time I will pay the grossly expensive two hours of entertainment even for if what I know I am going into is at best average. Now of course I have been disappointed by some awful movies, but at least I know going in that I will be entertained with some awesome action, laughable moments, even more laughable dialogue, and the occasional gem. Of course with every Iron Man, Jurassic Park, and Transformers, I have also sat through X men Origins: Wolverine, Ghost Rider, and Transformers 2.  Love them or hate em, I remember the experience (see previous blog) and usually know what I am getting myself into. Every once in a while though, you get an Avatar though, which was so good in theaters that I went three times. For 3 out of the four months during the summer, when ironically you should want to be outside enjoying the weather, they want you to see their best products. You get the best comedies, animation, and action adventure movies they have been making the past two years. The super geeks out there will love it when they hear next year’s headlines (The Hunger Games, Batman 3, The Amazing Spiderman, Total Recall, Gi Joe 2, The Bourne Legacy, MIB 3, Expendables 2), and when I say super geeks I mean me. Can’t Summer 2012 get here already!

So for this blog, your going to get my personal take on some of the biggest blockbusters that came out summer 2011 (sigh) in the only way Foxx can give it to you….gay, I mean straight. You can find a review anywhere, so instead Ill tell you some of the lighter (and heavier?) moments of a few movies with NO SPOILERS (Mel Gibson is in Hangover 2) and how some of the plots were even too farfetched for this blog, and that’s saying a lot. We write to put our cats through potty training school here, true story.

Without further adieu, The first ever (I love saying that, yet there hasn’t been a 2^nd ever of anything thus far) FOXX ADVENTURE GUSTO SPECTACULAR…or FAGS for short. Wait, what? That’s offensive? How? Ooooh, yeah that wouldn’t look right, especially when the streets are buzzing with did you read the new FAGS by that Fag whats his name. You right, in lieu of a better joke, we are going to rename it THE FOXX MOVIE BLOG ADVENTURE SPECTACULAR!!!! Try to make that an acronym, I dare ya.

My gut feelings of what is left of the summer.

Gotta see:

 Transformers 3 – Did Michael Bay realize the putrid product he put out with the 2^nd one (Worst CGI character since Jar Jar Binks) and tightened up the story line and characters  that made the first one so enjoyable. You know the action will be there, but will the movie carry the rest. For some reason, I trust Michael Bay on this one, T3 has this Armaggedon feel to it, and we all know how that turned out.....AMAZING!

Gotta skip:

Green Lantern – One action film has to be a monumental flop every season, and this Ryan Reynolds (also played Deadpool in Wolverine Xmen Origin) driven vehicle seems to be have no chance. Not only is it coming out with a tough weekend, unfamiliar super hero, but it stars actor who is mainly known for rom coms and doesn’t seem to fit the role at all. Even the catchphrase is too long. 

"In the brightest day";," In the blackest night";, no Evil shall escape my sight;,
Let those who worship evil's might;, Beware my power, GREEN LANTERNS LIGHT!

Night at Zoo(Keeper)/Mr. Popper’s Penguins– Kevin James and Jim Carrey in PG movies, nuff said.

Conan The Barbarian – You just can’t recreate Arnold, not now, not ever.

Surprisingly awesome?:

Captain America – I don’t know why, but something tells me it is going to be awesome. Seems like they stayed true to the character, picked the right actor (even if he is also Johnny Flame from Fantastic 4, and yes that definitely will bother me), and an excellent villain in Hugo Weaving to play the Red Skull. It definitely has potential.

Thor

1 sentence plot:  The powerful but arrogant warrior Thor is cast out of the fantastic realm of Asgard and sent to live amongst humans on Earth

My take.

Ahh Thor, the God of Thunder, definitely isn’t a masterpiece, and there are certainly some “roll your eyes” moments, but it is also easily one of the best looking Marvel movies. They do an amazing job with Thor’s home planet of Asgard, and the unintentional comedy of them calling it  words “ASS GUARD” was a nice tough. As far as Marvel movies go, it ranks up there though, behind the first and second Spiderman, and Xmen 1 and Xmen first class, but it’s very entertaining, some solid acting, a touch of humor, and enjoyable plot. Unknown Chris Hemsworth is sculpted from a rock and fits the character well, and at some point Rene Russo shows up. Thor sets up very well for the Avengers movie, but misses on the villain. The lack of a real quality villain gives the second half a bit of a lull, and the actions scenes could have been a bit bigger, more grandiose and the final battle is little underwhelming.  It is mostly light hearted, good old fashioned pop corn fun. You are gonna get your action, one liners, and the intro to many sequels.

Unforgettable scene: Thor fights the Frost Giants for the first time, Thor finds his hammer.

Notable Quotable: I need a horse! - Thor

Grade: B (Although 3D is not worth it and doesn’t really add anything. As usual Marvel gives a teaser at the end of the credits)

Hangover

1 sentence plot: Stu, Alan, and Doug jet to Thailand for Stu's wedding. Stu's plan for a subdued bachelor party the night before the wedding (Of course) goes seriously awry.

My take: Hangover 2, Bangkok Boogalo. The gang’s back, and that’s basically where it ends. Although H2 hits its laugh quota accurately, it is almost precisely exactly everything that happened in the first one, in the same order. If you played both Hangovers on two separate TV’s the hi-jinks might even happen at the same times. It has many laughable moments, but it also feels a bit stale and unoriginal. The actors hit their marks and have great comedic timing, but the magic seems to be missing this time.  Never at one point did I not feel like I was watching a un-   refreshing sequel. I did appreciate that they went bigger with Thailand, but after about 2/3^rds of movie it was like, nice seeing you again guys, I have to work tomorrow. In the end, I had a few big laughs and a bunch of small chuckles, but as far as comedies ago, its about as forgettable as that faithful night in Bangkok.

Unforgettable scene: Whatever your favorite scenes were from the first one, it will just goes a bit bigger and more ridiculous.

Notable Quotable:Phil: It happened again
                                   Tracy: How bad is it, like, no wedding bad?
                                   Phil: A bit worse than that.

Grade: B

X men: First class

1 sentence plot: In 1962, Charles Xavier starts up a school and later a team, for humans with superhuman abilities. Among them is Erik Lensherr, his best friend... and future archenemy.

My take: I really enjoyed this “pre-boot” as it breathes new life into an otherwise sagging franchise, and everything seems fresh while building on the themes of the previous films while still staying highly entertaining. Although Kevin Bacon as a power hungry former Nazi trying to take over the world is at best a weak plot line, as well as not really fitting the character either, yet doesn’t totally retract from the story of the mutants becoming who they are. I really liked how they took real world situations, in this case the Cuban Missile Crisis, as a way to give the mutants a chance to show off their powers. Eric Fassbender, who plays Eric, absolutely steals the show and is the best superhero since Christian Bale. Jame McAvoy as Professor X works well, but is overshadowed by both Fassbender and a stunning January Jones. Although uneven at times as it drifts in different directions with the mutant overload, congrats to Matthew Vaughn for bringing back the franchise.  It’s stylish, thrilling, eye popping, and makes up for all the garbage that we were given in the past 3 X men films.

Unforgettable scenes: The climatic final battle, Eric realizes the potential of his powers

Notable Quotable: Professor Charles Xavier: [to Eric] There's so much more to you than you know, not just pain and anger. There's good in you too, and you can harness all that. You have a power that no one can match, not even me. A new species is being born. Help me guide it, shape it... lead it.

Grade: A-

Super 8

1 sentence plot: After witnessing a mysterious train crash, a group of friends in the summer of 1979 begin noticing strange happenings going around in their small town, and begin to investigate into the creepy phenomenon.

Ending falls short of ----- Close Encounters wannane

My take: JJ Abrams does a solid, but not spectactular job with this movie, as he really captivated me with the story, but I found myself becoming less and less interested as the movie went on. The train crash that kick starts the movie is pretty awesome, and without revealing any spoilers, this “thing” begins wreaking havoc in a small time. However, the more we learn and see about this “thing” the less encapsulated I felt. The acting is great, Elle Fanning is a star in the making, the group of kids does very well, and Kyle Chandler does his usual thing. Like The Relic, the more I learned about the thing the less I wanted to know.  With that said, I didn’t hate this movie, but I didn’t love it either. I thought it was a good movie made by a good director, with some really fun moments, but it’s a nice throwback to the 80’s and has a great score. It does get a bit soggy at the end though, and falls short of what it wanted to be, which is Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and the plot left me with too many unanswered questions.

Unforgettable scene: Train crash, bus crash, town scene at end

Notable Quotable: “Mint!” – Fat kid in the movie, said several times. Drove me crazy.

Grade: B-

And with that FAGS…I mean THE FOXX MOVIE BLOG ADVENTURE SPECTACULAR!!!! Comes to an end. (Tear) But Summer 2012 is right around the corner (11.5  months) and something tells me I feel a 2^nd annual coming.

Random Tangent Section of the Blog:

·         I’m a bit upset that the Arnold baby mama scandal and Weinergate is coming to an end.  NY post had a fantastic streak of hilarious covers for the past two weeks.

·         Not that I condone this type of language, but this is nothing short of brilliant: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PcAQbhnGNs&feature=player_embedded

·          WWE star Chyna is relaunching her porn career. Speechless. Also, relaunching? Did the first not go so well Chyna Doll?

·         I’ve read some really funny tweets in the past few years, but this so far has been my runaway winner “I hate when I get stuck in traffic because Rebecca Black doesn’t know which seat to take.”

·         Planking. Really? Planking? Really?

·         How it took me 28 years to find this video is beyond me. “We rented out the left side of an abandoned warehouse, you have until sundown to complete this music video. And We used your special effects budget on shooting a sleeping woman, fully covered, in a bed for the last 4 seconds of the video.”   Great video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LatorN4P9aA&feature=player_embedded

·         Freedom is right around the corner, can’t wait! How much do I owe you Bart Scott?

Artistic photo of the blog:

(Ithaca, NY 5/27/11)

Aloha means goodbye folks

- Foxx

Who just wrote a new blog?

Two thumbs pointing at this guy.

Hey folks,

            Sorry for the lapse in between, life has been lazy, I mean crazy, yeah crazy, let’s go with that. To be completely honest though, although a lot has been happening, nothing totally blog worthy has come up though. I don’t want to say that this gravy train carrying nothing but cows made of cash isn’t still read by dozens, but more like an artist coming off a monster album, in this case a travel blog, preparing for his next one, in this case, another travel blog. So between the end of the work year and the dregs of this rainy Spring I just haven’t been able to give you the goods. Now, I know we all long worthy for the cream filling in the oreo, but you have to eat the cookie to get there, hence the reason I only go for the double stuff. Are we talking about Oreos or harcore porn?  Getting back on track though, if you read this blog regularly you would know that I am at best irregular, in fact some would say this blog is the most stable thing in my life (Laura’s in Washington), and that people only talk to me because I write it  (only half kidding).  Past blog worthy stories include: getting scratched by a cat, being “shored” by a group of some natives*, and obsessing about but not actually going to Crocodile lounge.  Honestly who has a more exciting life, me or you? Don’t answer that.  Of recent though, it’s more like a lot of little random tangents that have been encountered my being.  In the past month I’ve almost been hit by a car on my bike, hit a car with my bike, and almost grabbed a slurpee out of someone’s hands on said bike, and of course the ultra popular and super in depth when I found a 25 year old bike in my father’s garage  to replace my stolen one. What? I like my bike. No, I loved my bike (See: Cat Scatch Fever) and now I just tolerate Schwinn. None of those stories are gonna be told in this blog though, because this will be the first, in what I hope will become multiple Random Tangent Expando-blogs and dare I say it, Legend….wait for it…..Daily!!! Legendaily!!! A legend-daily Random Tangent Expando-blog! Yeah, I’m not gonna commit this, and we both know it. We both know I am a bi-monthly blogger at best, but how many times do you get a chance to quote Barney Stinson? The Answer: 3 of four times a day, to counter act “That’s what she said”  and really for any task that involves moderate enjoyment;  But enough with the serious, and onto the nonsense.

·         So I went to croc Lounge, and let me just say, it was Legen….wait for it…… keep waiting as I plan on dragging this one out. Croc Lounge was everything that I am looking for in bar….no pub…no home. So dedicated I was in fact to finally go to the Croc, I convince an unwilling group of five to go 35 blocks in the wrong direction just to go. How this bar doesn’t have a line longer than the clubs is beyond me. I’ll set the scenario for you: You nervously show your ID to the bouncer (I’m 28), you nervously order your first beer (Again, 28), in which you receive a blue, nay, aqua ticket that entitles you to free pizza….Dairy!....where you nervously get a free personal pan pizza, then you exhale. I can’t tell you much of what happened after that because I went into a pizza/alcohol/skee ball induced coma. I felt seven, I felt 20, I felt alive!  There was even talk about selling 2 dollar bacon pizza on the street for profit. I love you Croc Lounge, and I’ve only said that 1 other time this entire day, and that was to a cat.

·         Recommendations: Here is some recommendations for all you loyal readers out there from the best of what I’ve seen/read/watched experience.

Bar to go to in NYC: Crocodile lounge. (Really, you thought I was going to say somewhere else? Tin? Cmon)  Disclaimer: This is not the best bar in city, its not even Zagat rated, but Foxx rates it a A+ perfect 10 Touchdown with the two point conversion.

Book to Read: Zeitoun by David Eggers. One of those books that is more enjoyable if you look at the cover, then let the story develop around you. Better without reading the review, loved it and the author, check it out, very quick read.

Movie to See:  I love you Phillip Morris. I know this isn’t a new movie, or even very successful, but as a non Jim Carrey fan I thought this movie quirky, touching and very twisted with a good amount of laughs. Definitely wasn’t worth spending 13 bucks on, but a good Netflix rent.

Upcoming Sports event to watch: Bulls/Heat will go to game seven, and it will be epic. Ignore baseball until playoffs are offer, maybe altogether actually.

Celebrity Scandal to enjoy: Sheen had his 15 minutes, now its Arnold’s turn, and its gonna be bigger, messier, and he is gonna make a horrific movie because of it.

·         So I have lost a little bit of weight recently, and its something that I am kinda proud of, but with that said, I look no different, except for the trimmed beard which is now very clean. I have been working out much more regularly, and with a  goal in mind that is still very distant, but I know it’s slowly working. Why? Lets just say that at work, my “co-workers” were calling me Zach Galifianakis from the Hangover, now they call me Bradley Cooper. Huge upgrade. I don’t believe it, but I’lll def take it. Even the supermarket woman mentioned that to me, if that doesn’t get you motivated, a picture of Zach Galifianakis will.

·         As we all know, I am a bit of website whore. If even a sliver or a mediocre idea pops in my head I commit myself to a year contract with Godaddy. I don’t even want to reveal how many websites I own (7) and how many are currently live (1). Not anymore though my friends! Welcome to Skipthatscene.blogspot.com. The perfect place to find the scenes to skip when showing flicks that have questionable scenes that may not be appropriate for certain audiences. Ok, so it’s a website for teachers, babysitters, parents, and virgins. It’s still in its opening stages right now, but a good blogger not only self promotes his own blog, its awesome by the way tell everyone, but also offers job opportunitys to the masses.  All you have to do is watch a movie that isn’t a hard R, and write down the times and/or scenes that involve profanity, drug use, or nudity. In return you will be mailed (or given) a DVD of your choice from a list of over 100 choices. If interested (Please be interested) email skipthatscene@gmail.com for more information. Willing to negotiate….and trade.

·         I don’t care what anybody says Jose Bautista is the God of Thunder. He is more powerful and has a better beard than Thor.

·         I’ve decided to take a job with much more work, no extra benefits or money, and much more responsibility. My resume screams in delight.

·         I’ve coined the term “reverse racism” its not quite as good as accidental racism (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/11/08/accidentally-racist_n_780184.html#s174921&title=White_Power_Audi) but it exists nevertheless. It happened when I was in Baltimore and hungry. My only options were KFC or Popeyes, now the convential choice is KFC, but I’ve never had Popeyes and it swayed me. When I walked in everyone stopped, all of the opposite race by the way, and one guy took my picture.  I didn’t know what to order, but the obtuse woman in front of me didn’t seem like she wanted to wait. That was until she saw me, then I was her “Sugar” and “Hun”. She screamed at her co-workers to get my chicken fingers and then politely said that it would just be another minute. Then she pointed at the camera, then at me, and put an extra piece of chicken, biscuit, and sauce into my meal. I loved every minute of my meal, and the restaurant lived every minute of me. People were on their cell phones telling people to “Get Yo Ass to Popeyes. Now” and I felt half uncomfortable/half celebutante. Reverse racism people, at its finest.

·         Seth seth macfarlane 'Family Guy' creator to give modern spin to 'Flintstones'. I am very worried that this remake will succumb like so many others and ruin a cartoon classic.  I grew up with the Flinstones and loved every minute of that show, I even watched the Flintstones movie when they meet the Jetsons and reverse time periods and places. I know it's too late, but please Seth Yabba-Dabba-Don't do this.

·         RIP Bill Gallo. Wow. This really, really sucks. I didn't even know he was sick. He was truly a legend in a city filled with them. I loved his drawings and how much he cared about the NY area teams. His drawings of soldiers at war and how they often thought of home, their families and (of course) their home teams often brought tears to peoples eyes. You can tell (he may have been a Marine) he was a very patriotic guy, loved hs country and cared about our troops first and foremost. A very sad day if you followed his work. It was the only reason I opened a Daily News to see his comic.

·         Bets running of the field video I have ever seen:

         http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7B4gic1-qU&feature=player_embedded

·         Pepsi Throwback just became available nationally in Canada. It totally sucks as it is way to sweet, but really? Canada?

·         Just a little Fyi,  technically, Osama bin Laden may not have been the world’s ‘most wanted man’ - there’s no such official list – but he was without doubt the most well-known and notorious criminal on the planet.
And now replacing him is:

1. Joaquin Guzman Loera

With Osama gone Mexican drug lord Guzman now moves up to take the number one spot. Nicknamed ‘El Chapo’, meaning ‘Shorty’ (he’s only 5ft 6 inches tall), Guzman heads up the Sinaloa Cartel, which specialises in importing cocaine into the US.

He became Mexico’s most powerful drug kingpin when his rival, Osiel Cárdenas of the Gulf Cartel, was arrested in 2003. Since then his organisation has fought bloody wars with other gangs over transport corridors into the US that have lead to thousands of murders.

Mexican and US media sources also claim Guzman has infiltrated the highest levels of the Mexican government, who may have helped him destroy other cartels.

 He’s had several run-ins with the Mexican military since, but has so far evaded capture. Interpol and the US government are also tracking Guzman, with the latter placing a $5million dollar bounty on his head.
He’s currently ranked by Forbes to be 60th most powerful person in the world, and has an estimated fortune of $1 billion.

The next four places on the list are all also crime bosses, though they hail from all over the globe.

Artistic Picture of the Blog

       (4/24/11  NYC)

Well that's all the randomness I have for you guys for one blog.

Aloha means goodbye.

- Foxx

Cat Scratch Fever

People say “Bad things happen in threes” but they also say “Karma is a bitch.” Well, I’m hear to tell you that only one of those things are true, at least for now. It’s been a long week, and I’ve only worked half of it. How long a week you ask? Well in a span of 2 days, I lost my wheels, my voice, and a chunk of my face. Where to begin?

Monday

Nothing screams good time quite like spending an hour getting lectured about female bodybuilders and their unique physiques. I later googled Female Bodybuilders Naked, don’t do it. I’m warning you, don’t do it. Your doing it….I know you are…you were warned….quickly click back! Click back!!!

So after getting the unnecessary knowledge necessary to understand testosterone and estrogen levels in woman, as well as what had become a combination of part sexual harassment seminar/part how to pick up a chicks lecture with which I was left to bike home as quickly as possible in order to complete my Google search, and subsequent masturbation (untrue), only to find that it would be delayed by one problem. My transportation, my wheels, my one true love (again a joke, or is it?) was stolen from yours truly.

My bicycle, also known as My Bike, was missing!!! Gone!!!! Vamoose!!!  Vanished!!! Disapeared!!! Insert Verb or adjective about My Bike here!!! STOLEN!!!  Now, I can’t say I am the best at taking care of my personal possessions. My button down shirts are used as cat beds, the floor is my hamper, I’ve donated (lost) two I-pods to the City of New York in the past month, and I locked Scout for an entire conference call as I kept saying where is that meowing coming from, but not checking (You would think by now that this cat would be used to being locked out). One thing that I do take care of however is my bike. I tune her up, I lock her, and I even whisper sweet nothings in her gear when no one is around. Needless to say, I was, and still am, heartbroken.

I went to John Jay security to investigate and pray that Ashton Kutcher was punking me (too dated?) but instead this is what I received. A video transcript on the security camera of the entire event enfolding in front of my very eyes which I will now replay in my best John Sterling impression:

“Beautiful Afternoon here at 59^th and 10^th ave, the concrete is grey, the building is obtuse, and Foxx is just about putting the finishing touches on his bike lock. He turns once, turns twice, annnnndddd locked! He’s off to class ladies and gents, and crowd couldn’t be more subdued! Next up, a perp in an orange jacket, coming straight out of Starbucks with a stolen coffee and a sandwich, you know, you just can’t commit theft these days on an empty stomach. You know what they say, a well fed criminal with a head full of caffeine just can’t be stopped, and by the look of his mullet, neither can the party in back. I gotta say, its gonna be a great day for grand theft bicyle. Our perp stands at 6’1’ of Latin descent, a bright orange jacket, and pantaloons that may end or begin at his thighs depending on how you see it. The white tee shirt underneath matches the faux gold chain that dangled on his neck, in his left hand he holds a white plastic bag with unknown contents inside. I’m no soothsayer, but I have a feeling that he’s gonna need to use bag if he’s going to attempt to steal. Our perp moseys around for the next fifteen minutes or so, watching and waiting for the right time to make his move. The street clears, and he makes his move. He is reaching in his bag! What is he pulling out? Could it be? Yes! It is! Lock cutters! And there he goes! With the movement of a veteran in still in his prime. He quickly cuts through the metal like Torre through a young bullpen; You know Susan some guys can really fly, but I think this guy might be fastest in the league. Locks cut, both in the bag! And look at this! He is on the bike with a huge shit eating grin on his face! He is probably high! Foxx is Far! And he is gonnnnneeee!!! Whadda-ya-know Orange jacket Latino!!! 1-0 Perps! And With a not so amused look on his face, Foxx sits in the dug out and quickly makes a call to the bullpen!”

Foxx: Hello Cops

Cops: Yes

Foxx: I need to fill out a police report

Cops: For what?

Foxx: Grand theft bicycle

Cops: Motorcycle or bike

Cops: Fill out this form

Foxx: What’s the chance I actually get my bike back? (already knowing the answer)

Cops: None

Foxx: So why am I doing this?

Cops: to be a good samaritan. Save the next guy, But hey, did you ever hear that Karma comes back at you?

Foxx: Does Karma put two pedals on my feet?

Cops: No

Foxx: How about a ride uptown?

Cops: No

Foxx: But I am here filling out a police report about how my transportation uptown was stolen.

Cops: No

Foxx: Cmon, I’ll even sit in the back, you can even cuff me, drop me off near my apt.

Cops: No

Foxx: screw you man, it’s like 50 blocks.

Cops: Maybe we should use those cuffs

Foxx: I’ll walk it.

And just like that, the love of my life was gone. They say the hardest one to get over is your first love, and I’ll never forget you black Giant bike with torn up handles and broken bell, never....tear...until I replace you next week with the same exact model.

1 down, 2 more to go.

Tuesday

Hospital!!!

Doctor!!!

F*ck you Ryan Franklin!!!

Hospital!!!

You also suck Frank Fransisco!!!

Doctor help!!!

Cats!!!

These were all things that I was screaming around 3:30 AM Tuesday morning as I was hallucinating out my skull on a concoction of Nyquil, Advil, Raman noodles, and a fever. Only I (and possibly Jon Pollack) could find a way to incorporate fantasy baseball into their hallucinations. The next morning Laura found me in the fetal position on the floor sweating, shivering, crying, and using a cat as a tissue. It was easily the sickest I have been since I have been a kid, and maybe I shouldn’t have ignored the sore throat at 2 am Friday night while forcing down some shwarma. I was at the urgent care unit by 8 am that morning, and was diagnosed with strep throat and a high fever. I was far removed from normalcy that I didn’t even realize that I had two needles sticking out of my arm, while I asked Dr. Park why he had such a boring last name? Yes, I asked him if he lived on Park Ave, No, he doesn’t. I spent the next 2 days watching 4 horrible movies, 1 entire non yankee baseball game (no money or fantasy implications on it either, pure boredom), 1 average book, 7 different types of soup 13 different times, 4 bags of cough drops, 2.5 liters of Gatorade, and half a gallon of ice cream, 15 or so naps, and 1 paper graded. Biggest surprise, not a single video game played, or a single relief pitcher dropped off my fantasy team.

Wednesday

 A very uninteresting day as I spent the majority of it in a comatose state in between movies, except for one very brief moment in which I let Boo (other cat) use my face as a scratching post. Nothing screams good time like falling asleep to an unwatchable movie, in this case Dinner for Shmucks, which was so unfunny that the best part was the credits, and I love bad movies. This movie wasn’t just bad though, it was like the white coach’s son on the all black team bad. Even on multiple drugs, I couldn’t get myself to laugh, yet because the cast I also couldn’t turn it off. It’s not even plane worthy, and that says a lot. Anyway, in my comatose state I see out of my right eye a half squirrel/half spider monkey (Boo cat) flying towards my face in her normal game of tag with Scout. My natural instinct, being the superior athlete that I am, flung this animal off me, but not before her front claw scraped across the side of my left check. Leaving a nice superficial scratch from eye to beard that left me looking like the villain from a James Bond movie. Don’t worry Ma, its not deep, and I’ve treated it well, but dammit I….Look….Awesome!!! People cower from me in the streets, cats runs to the litter box, Mothers hide your daughters, Bodog lock my account, Scarface is on the prowl (pun intended) and looking to commit crimes of very minor degrees. Yes I will drink out of the carton Laura! Yes, I will eat cookies before dinner! PG-13 movies, No thank you!!!  I have a scratch on my face Gosh Darn it!!! Thanx Boo. Please don’t scar.

They say bad things come in three, but I think I’ve come up with a new phrase, good blogs come from bad things. I can’t say my life is always that enjoyable, but it is always this entertaining. Thanks for readings, I feel like I dont say that enough. To all my loyal followers, your the reason I write.

No notes from the office or Random Tangents, I’ve given you too much gold already for one blog.

Artistic Photo of the Blog:

(8/25/09 Ithaca, NY)

Aloha means goodbye

-Foxx