Foxx Tackles The City: Cool as the other side of a Blog

After a brief respite, The Miami Heat of Blogs is back. If you are reading this you are definitely drunk, have overly tinted windows, or a beard that has its own beard...wait, that’s just Braylon Edwards. Personally, I think the papers have it all wrong. Clearly Bray Bray was only driving because Dbrick and Gholston were delivering twins in the backseat. The windows were only so dark as not to attract attention to the fact that Oprah was delivering Sexy Rexy’s illegitimate child. See guys, always read between the lines to find the truth.

With football in full swing I completely forget that regular season baseball still exists. So let’s take one more trip around the diamond and recap 9 of my least crucial thoughts.

Great story in the lead off spot this week:

I know a certain family that likes to throw up…I mean like a lot. As always names have protected the innocent. This family lets call them the Cornells, just happened to be in Ithaca for a wedding. Now if you know anything about this family, and my guess that if you are reading this you do, we like to expel our food and drink as often as possible….what? It’s for dietary purposes. The Cornell’s have two wonderful children (edit: 1 wonderful child, 1 child who writes a popular blog) and a litany of animals that also like to regurgitate their food after a heavy night of boozing. I can’t tell you how many times that I have stepped in cat/dog/human vomit over the years, after a while I kinda forgot what the floor looked like. From what I’ve heard about the Cornell’s a couple people are smarter then them, a few cooler, but never both.

So the Cornell family of four took a road trip with their two dogs to the Gorges land of Ithaca (see what I did there, yup I am that talented) for a wedding of a family friend. The only thing you need to know about the wedding is that the youngest Cornell, lets call her Kary, got obliterated out of her skull. Would you expect anything else? You don’t get the name Pukey Mcgee without ruining a bed sheet or four. I am sure the bride looked beautiful, the groom handsome, and the band played a litany of 80’s music, but all you need to know is what happened after.

Kary got sick. No surprise there, its kinda her move. However she happened to throw up in her bed while she was sleeping, in her hair and most importantly all over their two dachshunds that was sleeping with her. Thankfully Papa Cornell, lets call him Wilson, was on the case as always. Having woke up from the sounds of retching he saunters in the room to find two dogs covered in throw up, Kary also covered, and what was left of chicken Cordon bleu on the floor. The dogs jump off the bed, run right to Wilson and start licking his face, then finish off the chicken. Wilson takes all 3 of them and throws them into the shower. The dogs have a nice orange glow to them and are chasing each other in order to lick what’s left of their fur. Wilson begins Brushing Kary’s teeth, and then uses the same toothbrush to take care of the two dogs’ breath. From what I can tell, Kary’s breath was actually worse than the dogs. Wilson then drags her to the couch, puts yellow caution tape on what was previously her room, and goes back to the dogs. Gives the dog’s a shower, which doesn’t make a difference, and just as he is about to dry them off they see Kary’s roommates retarded cat Shorty and book it out of the room. Half covered in vomit, half covered in shampoo and toothpaste they book it through the hallway and right back onto the vomit covered bed. By the way, has there ever been a better name for a retarded cat then Shorty?

Finally, when everything has calmed down, Kary is sleeping on the couch, the dogs in the playground of vomit, Wilson finally gets back into bed with his lovely wife, Madea, and finally settles down to attempt to salvage whatever is left of the night when Shorty comes in.

Since Shorty is retarded he isn’t very graceful he lumbers up the bed, after what I am sure is multiple attempts to climb a bed post before he realized he could jump, and walks over a sound asleep Madea. Madea shoots out of bed and yells “I can’t sleep with this cat walking on top of me all the time!” (The cat had walked on her for maybe 4 seconds, and she had also slept through the entire incident) Wilson simply responds “You have no idea.”

I told you it was a good one, now I expect the Cornell family to never speak to me again. I’m sorry but I had to tell it….Burger King on me next time I see you Kary.

Batting 2^nd and 3^rd are two very quick but fantastic lines from “My Office”

After spending the better part of 40 minutes banging her head on her desk I asked my “co-worker” why she was doing that. Mind you, at any part during this time I didn’t try and stop her. When finally I decided that it was time to intervene and asked her why she was so violently throwing her forehead into a wooden desk. Her response, “I’m Blocked.”

You try and figure out what that means, because I sure can’t.

Most of my coworkers have to take some of their work home with them, for arguments sake let’s call it “homework” and I always tell them that they must read for 20 minutes every night. Some of them just aren’t readers so I came up with a system for them. Watch your hour TV show(s) and during the commercials hit mute and read, by the time you finish your program you would have read for the required 20 minutes. Here is the conversation that followed.

McReady: What if you like reading?

Me: Then 20 minutes shouldn’t be a problem.

Mcready: I read before I go to bed.

Me: Ok, me too, what’s are you getting at?

Mcready: When I watch my hour of TV what am I supposed to do during the commercials?

Yup, these are my co-workers. And you know it’s gonna be a good year when during your third day of work somebody has already peed themselves.

Batting clean up is this picture of Greg “The Situation” Camirillo. Fist pumps for first downs, and beating the beat on touchdowns. Then again I seem to find a way to include Sitcho or Lebron in every blog. I used to enjoy The Situation recreationally, but now I think I am totally addicted. If Keisha’s love is a drug, mine is the Sitch Face. It’s a serious problem and I think Laura is worried, you know it’s bad when you’re watching the Dancing With The Stars results show….and you know he has already advanced.

5^th spot: A great RBI spot, and a perfect time for a video.

Amazing race watermelon launch. Youtube videos don’t get much better than this. I still can’t figure out how it was even possible.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cfeTZNcA3g

Little Zen sarcasm batting in the 6 hole:

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night…ever.

That was an interesting night, totally blamed it on the cat.

Batting 7th: You know your shit faced when you say “I’ve never looked at a map before” while staring at a map. This actually happened…shockingly it wasn’t me. I own a globe.

8: My conversation with a cab driver in Vegas

Me: I love this place, I really do,

Cab Driver: Yup, it’s pretty insane.

Me: Its nut’s but now I see how people can lose your shoes, shirt, all of your money and get stuck here for the rest of your life. Probably become totally dead inside.

Cab Driver: I had 2 million dollars in 1986….now I drive a cab.

Me: Yikes. I’ll get out here.

Finally taking the pitchers spot, a last a few random tangents:

When you rename your fantasy team after Kyle Orton (Snortin Orton) you realize that you may have a little bit of quarterback issue

By the power of Greyskull I will not get sucked into another episode of The League after its Always Sunny lead in.

Before everyone jumps back on Modern Families dick again for season 2 just remember that the original modern family was run out of town for being too funny for its own good.

RIP Arrested Development, the best show in the last ten years.

This time the Jamaicans are going to win that last race in Cool Runnings. I just know it.

I think KFC may have topped themselves with the Skinwich, its much grosser than the Double down. Although I am proud of BK, the breakfast bowl looks pretty revolting, way to put yourself back in the race.

Mcgruber is in the lead for this years Halloween costume, but the question is it too obscure for people to get.

I spent a good amount of the day thinking about Brett “The Hitman” Hart, not because he was my favorite wrestler growing up, but rather pondered if I would look cool in his classes. After 3 Amazon.com purchases I have determined that no, I won’t look cool.

Bonus Cantos!!!

Me standing next to basketball legend (no?) Greg Oden.