You know the summer is over when these things happen:
1) It's cold and windy on a Saturday night in New York
2) College football is played on a Sunday
3) People flock to central park like it is going to close
4) Your fantasy baseball team takes a painfully devastating loss to end your season
5) You start liking the prospects of your fantasy football team that much more
6) Brett Favre returns (shame on me, I'm better than that)
7) Staples triples its commercial output
8) Days until Football season and New TV season can be counted on one hand
9) People drink the drift dry
10) The next episode of Entourage will be the finale.
Labor day isn't a holiday, its a reminder. So as I painfully say goodbye to the summer, I rejoice to welcome a new blog into this world. A baby blog for all to see, loaded with the absurdities that is this city and my life. To quote Simmons, Foxx Tackles The City will be a free flowing blog that occasionally touches on mature subjects. No more praying to the baseball gods and worshipping real life god Jose Bautista (It's Pierre Thomas season anyway). No more classy afternoons of water bottle wine, pigeon wrestling, or footsy with strangers on trains. Nope, it's time for a much more settled blog, one with a stable household (and unstable cat) to grow. One that will most likely be Europe and Jose Bautista free, and most likely not Lebron free. And I can almost promise you that it will be filled with Rexual innuendos though. Do we understand what I want to see out of this blog? Now lets go eat a god damn snack!
Did you enjoy that? I had pita chips and Hummus. Nothing gets me fired up quite like chick peas. Ready to blog again? Yup me too.
This multigrain pita chip....I mean blog will focus on the misadventures of my life inside the most famous city in the world. Everything that I find worth blogging about whether be at work or play will be dissected, compared to some sort of pop culture icon, and reanalyzed for your reading pleasure. New York City has a lot of offer, I have none, but I think this blog meets somewhere in the middle. Because of confidentiality reasons (such as I don't want to get fired) everything I mention about my place of business (Hint: They fall asleep in class. Throw ink on each other. Never come in Mondays. And......)* and judging by what I experience on a day to day basis there will be a lot, will have pseudonyms attached. For instance "Pie Man" If your reading this I am very impressed with your custard creme to the face of administration, well done secret friend. I hope you continue to throw your pies in hopes of making Bayside a better place.
*If anybody can figure out the where the quote for my hint comes from without using the Internet I will allow you to choose a topic for me to spend an entire blog writing about. The honor code is present boys and girls, remember your School Ties so I don't have to "pretend that no one cheated? But someone did cheat. Whoever did this has robbed you of your honor. If I ignore it, he will have robbed me of mine as well. I leave it in your hands, gentlemen."
Speaking of Bayside, nothing screams success like having your fearless leader absent on the first day back. I get it though, I hate waking up too. What I will say is this, some of my favorite stories to tell are the ones that I witness there, and I fully expect to enjoy touching them the way Ms. Bliss did. Did that come out wrong? Let me rephrase: Ms. Bliss (IE: Me) touches the children with knowledge through irreverent humor and creative lessons, but never physically touches them, in fact employs a strict no touching policy. Oh, and I spent the last paragraph referencing myself as an adult female.
Random Bayside Trivia:
-One of the degrees in Mr. Belding's office is for Kung Fu. It is above the filing cabinet next to his desk
-Ed Alonzo's last episode was "Save the Max". (irony people irony)
-In the episode "Home for the Holidays," the Santa Claus in the show was credited as Himself
- A.C. Slater's one-episode sister, J.B., was his younger sister in real life.
I spend way to much time on both fantasy sports and movies. Since no one cares about other people fantasy stories (not gonna lie though, I am story inserter perpetrator)I am going to spent the next few lines ranting about my obsession with movies. And it is definitely an obsession. I reference way too many movies in general. I own S.W.A.T. on DVD. I spent an inordinate amount of time playing sophisticated movie reviewer but am appalled at my own taste. My favorite movie is Transformers, which is at best borderline unwatchable. I truly do believe that if you are part of the A-TEAM you can fly a tank. Worst yet,I regularly quote not only obscure lines but also factual errors from The Cutting Edge. Speaking of, in the last scene where Doug and Kate do the Pamchenko it appears to be an impossible move. He was spinning in circles, in one place, when he released and threw her, but in order to catch her, moving away from him, he would have had to have superhuman acceleration and strength! After further review however I learned that not only is it an impossible move but highly illegal The first component of the Pamchenko - the "bounce spin", where the man grasps the woman by the ankles and spins her around - is a highly illegal move in Olympic competition. It doesn't matter though, because "Man and woman together make flower. Douglas, you are stem. Katya, you are petal. Together, we make flower." Go ahead and admit it, you know exactly what the Pamchenko looks like and the scene where they almost kiss at midnight. To sum it all up though, my favorite and most referenced movie period is definitely the 90's, I cry at the end of almost any sports movie, and will find at least one more time to insert a random movie quote.
One Fantasy thought, and I promise only one. I want to start a motion of changing the label of fantasy "Sleepers" In this day in age when everyone has access to the same information readily available in any form of media nobody is really a sleeper anymore. I think we should rename them "BUZZERS" because of all the positive buzz they receive. Is Mike Wallace or Hakeem Nicks really sleepers anymore if everyone loves them? No, they are officially what I am now referring to as BUZZERS.
Example:
Buzzer: Felix Jones
Sleeper: Eric Decker
Example # 2:
Buzzer: Foxx tackles the Globe
Sleeper: Foxx tackles the Cty
Why I decided to keep my writing my blog using one word less each line during countdown:
7: A true story about a real hero
6: To have another website to visit
5: Jets play once a week
4: Bad real life storyteller
3: Freedom of Speech
2: My fans
1: Tenure
I feel like I really have grown this summer though, and I am ready to make some big changes in my life. After 9 seasons of American Idol I've decided to take my talent to the X-Factor (damn, almost made it), I hooked up the surround sound system in my apartment, and I even ordered a new pillow. I feel as if this blog is going to grow too. Nobody knows better than me how hard change is, I am still getting over the mysterious disappearance of the Cheesy Gordita Crunch*, but we all have to say goodbye to things we love. I said goodbye to my most precious possessions this summer, as well as my first bloggy. What I am trying to say is sometimes we need to let go, replace everything with bigger and better things from Amazon, and start enjoying this new blog. And I promise to pull out all the stops that ruins most movie sequels but somehow makes this blog that much better. More Action!!! Cheesier Dialogue!!! SIMILAR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS!!!! Less Pictures!!! EVEN WORSE BLOG TITLES!!!! MORE CAPS!!! IN YOUR FACE FACEBOOK REMINDERS!!!!! More FANS????
*Couple that with the loss of the choco taco, the beef enchirito and the Nacho cheese Chalupa and there has been a decade of broken hearts at the hands of taco bell. Tip: some of these items are still on the menu, but HIDDEN, so make sure to make eye contact, give the secret handshake, blink exactly 12 times and make your order.
And... what about seat belts? To fasten, take the little end and stick it in the big end and... you know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seatbelt, (or figure out my profession for that matter) just ring your call button and Tommy here will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you're a......very nice person with supreme intellect.
So come take the leap with me.
Just give it a chance, you know your gonna like it. Enrique does.
Going Going Bautista?
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